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I myself have experienced the richness of God, the power of His healing, the restoration of my TRUE IDENTITY in knowing the Love of Christ. I have been set free from the lies that Satan bounded me for many years since my childhood. I have lived a lie long enough to deny myself of my true identity as a "female". I have lived a life of 'imagination' that I pretended to be a guy, seeking popularity towards other female in order to be loved, to be accepted and I walked the very opposite way of what God created me to be (as a female)!
Since I was young, I love to dress like a boy to deceive myself that I was a boy not a girl because of my own hatred towards myself - I dislike my look and all that I do! In my early school years, I was the isolated child where nobody else would love to come close to, either boys or girls. Other boys and girls always name calling me and so I grew up as a very wounded soul because my father went for his business overseas and very seldom be home for me and mum, I didn't get much affirmation from my father that I was his beloved daughter. I spent most of my time with mum as a result, I started to have a feeling of hatred towards my father and extended to hating all men because I couldn't stand to see my mother in such a lonely position, looking after the whole family on her own without her husband being around. I would call 'men' as useless and deep down I rejected to have them around me, I would love to just have girls around me, so as long as other girls like me and that's all I am after. With that in mind, I have always tried to please girls and make them happy. My image then changes to a 'male' role - I will do what guys do, play basketball, sing in a 'male' voice to attract girls' attention at school. I had a pretty big crowd of fans liking my voice as I joined the school singing contest, a crowd of girls awaiting to hear me sing on stage.
Well.....how God has been so gracious and merciful to me.....How God restored my true identity and now I am embracing who I really am ….now I finally know who I am meant to be - HE created me to be a woman...not just a woman...but I belong to God...I am a woman of God.
God has indeed healed me of many twisted things: my attitude towards 'men' is a significant change in my life - how I started to see my father with the eye of God, I renounced my hatred towards him through godly counselling, I recalled that I keep hitting pillow to express my anger and frustration then I prayed a prayer of forgiveness over his ignorance and absence....That wasn't an easy start but a crucial step for my freedom. I needed to believe that God loves me the way I am, accepts how He created me to be, and thank Him for creating me. I have long been rejecting my identity so I have to learn to embrace myself in God's strength. I experienced a powerful change in me as I forgave my father - I can see my father as a new person, learning to know more about him and starting to care more about him as well. Our relationship has improved ever since....then God guided me through the eye of him to see other 'men' - I no longer called all 'men' as useless but God gave me a desire to know men and to be loved by men. I started dating men instead of women, leaving my old life behind...that was another level of experience for me. Dating men - I would never thought of myself doing it....but God has changed my heart and give me the desire of knowing men so that I can learn how to relate myself to them first. The more that I wanted to know about men, my desire for men is ever stronger than before. I waited and I waited for the right man to come to me. I got to a point where I was so desperate as well....crying out to God for the right man....I have indeed waited for a very long time....
During my waiting period, God granted me jobs working in school and God healed my childhood through my job as I discovered myself so gifted in teaching and caring for children. I received so much love from the little ones. They like me and called me 'Miss' and that really comforting me and also reaffirming me again that God created me to be a 'female' and children love me and I am their 'Miss'. How lovely ….how amazing....
God also enabled me to have a physical change - my hair could grow longer and longer - funny to say this …When I was acting like a boy, I would never allow my hair to grow long covering my ears, I would always cut my hair so short! When God removed my own self hatred, I was able to accept my new look with hair growing longer on me. That's a big change to me personally. I recalled how I enjoy having hair cut by the male hair stylist, they took care of my hair and washed my hair tenderly for me. Just what a feeling...the feeling is ever so brand new and REAL! I can feel the 'femininity' is growing in me...I can also feel that I am liking myself more and more ....
The TWO significant life-changing stories -- God enabled to see and experience how it is to be a woman!
My story hasn't ended here yet, through learning of obedience to God, through much patience enduring my difficult work situation, I did much volunteering for the Lord, and then God answered my prayer for a man. Not just a man, but He has granted me a Godly man, we've gone on into relationship for a year, from year 2009-2010. And we got on so well, learning one another through books reading, especially about the difference between men and women. I'd always felt it is a great mystery that God put men and women together. That is such a challenge, and it has been a challenge for me when I first entered into a BRAND NEW, exciting relationship with a man. God has put me on a whole new level of challenge that I'd ever experienced before. Though the relationship did not end up in marriage. That was a sad thing for me, definitely and I started to blame on God for what happened..I did struggle to understand why we split....why he wasn't the one I marry....
The blame on God has gone on for a few years and I finally stopped fighting..... I started to realise God is God, I wasn't God....God knows everything and I don't. Thank God as I humbled myself before Him, i started to feel blessed because God has indeed granted me a godly man for my 1st relationship - I was only a learner for loving a man, what if I bumped into a bad guy??? the situation would have been more disastrous for me to handle??? So I believe that God has done it for a purpose and throughout the relationship with that man, I had learnt so much as well such as: how to be someone's girlfriend, observe how a real man behave and do, etc.
Thank God so much for such a brand new life experience. I could never dream of it, ONLY GOD can make it happen!! Praise God for His faithfulness and goodness. Above all - He has the power to change and transform!
The proof of the "love of God" are endless, and I have no doubt of His love for me all through the years. I had been rebellious for too many times, but His love is unconditional and eternal (never ending...) This is NOT a proof of my faithfulness to God, but HIS LOVE FOR ME, HIS FAITHFUL TO ME. I cannot say I have been faithful if not BY HIS GRACE to sustain my walk with Him!
Latest good news: Praise God for his enduring patience and love on me - I’m happily married on 2 March in 2019 with a man after God’s own heart!
God is the one to be praised and His transforming power is REAL! He gave me back the role He predestined me to be - I am created to be a FEMALE, I’m His beloved daughter forever! All the past deceptive mindset and thought patterns are gone in the healing power of Jesus, amen and amen!
What’s more? Last year in October (2020), I started to write Kindle and paperback for my testimony on Amazon. Praise God for giving me the opportunity to fulfil the dream that has been seated in my heart 11 years ago. Feel free to check out all my books on Amazon - http://www.amazon.com/author/smariah .....So good to write for His glory, for all the things that He has done in my life, amen.
Ladies, if you are reading this, and I pray that you can also be encouraged, don't be deceived by Satan and think God is punishing you or withholding something good in your life, don't go into that trap. It's not the truth of God. Our God is ever so loving, He will withhold no good things from His beloved.
Healing starts from knowing the love of Christ, knowing who we are in Christ.....The Bible, the Word of TRUTH set me free. And so shall you be set free by the knowledge of God!
God bless you.
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His Life For Mine
His heart was broken, mine was mended
He became sin, now I am clean
The cross he carried bore my burden
The nails that held him set me free
His life for mine, his life for mine
How could it ever be?
That he would die, God's son would die
To save a wretch like me
What love divine, he gave his life for mine
His scars of suffering brought me healing
He spilled his blood to fill my soul.......
Let's learn, grow, pray and praise together. GOD BLESS.